Friday, 1 February 2019

Walking Volcano

"Students from this class say you're very fierce!"
"Students from this class are quite scared of you actually!"
"If it weren't for the students telling me, I wouldn't know you're the garang type of teacher."

How did I earn the impression of being a fierce teacher?

I mean, some of my students called me a "harimau betina" last year. Yes, last year I had a RBF (Resting Bitter Face) in some class. But I don't remember being labelled as a fierce or stern teacher. I do shout and scold in class, but usually there is a clear reason why I do so.

For some reason, I feel as if I am overwhelmed with anger and wrath for the past two days. Little things trigger me and I feel like I am like a walking volcano, ready to explode and erupt anytime.

We had Sukantara today (Sports event). The school tasked me to get the students to line up for a sports event. For some reason I was commanding the students in a tone, that sounds a little too hostile.

"Girl...sit here. I SAY SIT HERE COME HERE NOW."

Yesterday during extra-curricular activity, I blew up at a few students who did not know their club.

What has possessed my mind, I wonder.

Reflecting back on the past two days, those were such trivial matter. Yes, we reminded the students time and again to remember and check their clubs before the meetings, it was irresponsible of them to forget and not take notice. But I think how I handled it really could have been much better.

I don't like scolding students. I don't like being angry. I dislike shouting in class. I was once labelled as the "cheery disposition teacher" in IPG.

In fact, I don't think anyone would enjoy being angry or scolding people.

But sometimes, it feels like the faster and more efficient way to get things done. Although I have to admit, it is only for the short term.

It doesn't feel good to be scolded.

I won't lie, but I feel like I am afraid of myself. Afraid of who I am becoming. Afraid of the emotions and negative energy I have been carrying around for the past two days.

I feel like I need an outlet. I need to shout. I need to throw things. I want to let loose of these emotions.

And students shouldn't be my outlet. No matter how atrocious or how monkey they are behaving. Okay maybe they need some degree of reprimanding...

Really appreciate all the support and messages I have been receiving from former students and friends through my...er, volcanic stage of mine. Thank you. I truly appreciate it.

--

I had my last class with one of my peralihan class today. After the holidays, I won't be teaching them anymore. They seem to sense my anger and clouded emotion today, and are...slightly better behaved.

"Teacher! Don't be so angry la, it's our last day together!"

Coming from a boy who always cause me trouble in class, I'm..surprised o.O


Breathe in, breathe out.

It's funny, because last week I felt overwhelmed with sadness and helplessness, oh the dismay. How did it suddenly progressed to wrath and anger?

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