Thursday, 4 October 2018

"You don't understand me!"

"You don't know what I am going through, what I am feeling!"

"Stop taking your work pressure home and throw it on me!"

Sounds familiar? No? Good for you, haha! No, really, you're not missing out on anything.

Growing up, I often argued with my mum. Well actually, let me rethink that statement. Since young up till now perhaps, I constantly argue with my mum. We would argue over the pettiest stuff -  what to eat, what time to depart from home to get to somewhere, life choices etc. etc. We disagree over almost everything - from my career choice (mum's a teacher and she used to tell me, to be anything I want except a teacher and whooops look where I am right now. We used to argue so much over this HAHAHAH), my choices of words and habits (she thinks that I am too 'rough' as a girl, er, which I think can be true at times but I strongly believe that I have the freedom to be who I am as long as I am not harming or degrading anyone), my eating beliefs (mum tries to force the whole family to be vegetarian during Wesak day, which I use to..er, stage hunger strike lol. Mum would also say things like eat this it is good for xxx and I would question it, asking for scientific reasons why and it would end up as "aiya next time you'll regret it!!").

Yes, I was (and still am) really rebellious. I question things and refuse to accept things as it is - I want explanation and reasons. I am really stubborn. Unfortunately, I got this from my mum :P And she is as hard-headed as I am, but our beliefs are bagai langit dengan bumi lol.

It is true, that distance makes the heart grows fonder. My relationship with my mum became much better when I studied abroad in the UK. Of course, when my family came over to Europe for my graduation, our no-fight streak was shortly broken after....5 days? Hahahah.

Now that I am based in Johor and family are in KL, our relationship is now like a bed of roses :p we are in very good term (except when I lie on the bed of roses too long, and I can feel the pricks and thorns slowly sinking in....)

Even though we fought a lot, but that doesn't mean that we don't care about each other, we don't love each other. My family is the type of family that doesn't actively show affection. But I know we all care for each other a lot. Just that we don't actively show it, or say it out loud. We show it in the form of food, and perhaps subtle actions.

--

I remember when I was younger, probably during my teenage years in high school, my spat with my mum was the worst. There was a point of time where we'd just argue every day, and go on cold wars for days (I have to admit, I had a huge ego where I refuse to admit I am wrong even though, I knew I was wrong...)

And up till now, I still remember some of the words/phrase/lines my mum used to say that was hurtful. I'm pretty sure she didn't mean it (or I am deciphering it wrongly/taking it too personally), but it was hurtful.

--

Being around with students made me realize, that things used to be a lot simpler.

Back then it was a big thing, to fight with someone. Fighting with family was a big thing. Fighting with my friends were a big thing. Simply because friends and family played such a huge role in my teenage years. We spent most of our time at school and at home. it doesn't feel nice to feel...disconnected from people you spend the most time with.

Which really made me reflect, on how I treat my students.

Sometimes when I am in a bad mood, I tend to be snappier. I can't help but to wonder, will things I say affect them deeply? That time when I snapped at a student, how much will it affect them? Or am I thinking way too much?

Overheard at the "bilik guru membawang" group, "I scolded my students today. Kesian them. But I'm really too stressed and little things they do really blew me up!"

I seem to resonate with the statement lately. I feel like I can blow up really easily because it seems to be easier to let out all my feelings and stress building up at one blow. Bising? OOIIIIII BISING LA! Tak buat kerja? BUATLAH OI. *throws stuff* 

The solution wouldn't be as easy as "just don't be angry/stressed". There must be a "How". How do you not be angry? How do you not be stressed? There must be a how key point.

Thinking back, my mum had been extremely patient with me. Looking back now, there were so many times where I feel like yes I deserve to be scolded but somehow, I just can't connect the dots at then. I always thought that my mum didn't really bothered about how I feel and she used to bring home her stress from work so often, and take it out on us.

WHAT GOES AROUND REALLY COMES AROUND.

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